Mental Health and Lifestyle
BOUNDARIES IN MARRIAGE AND DATING
From the works of Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
What are Boundaries?
Definition
Boundaries are emotional and spiritual immune systems that help protect us from being affected or infected by others. They are property lines that establish your territory from your neighbors. Individuals who grow up in unhealthy family systems have difficulty setting boundaries to take care of themselves. Sometimes we are afraid to set boundaries because we fear abandonment, our self esteem is poor or we really cannot function alone.
Purpose
They help us to be in difficult situations or with difficult people without succumbing to their “illness”. They define what we are responsible for; what is MY life and what I can both be responsible for and can reasonably expect to control. They mean that we respect ourselves and will protect ourselves from inappropriate behavior or words. They also define what I cannot control. We often want to grab the steering wheel on someone else’s life or brain and are frustrated because we cannot reasonably expect to have that control.
- Responsibility + Self Control = Freedom
Function
Boundaries function by helping us keep the good things about life in and the bad things out. They also allow the good stuff in us to go out to others. They are not set up to manipulate others. Some may be more rigid than others such as with physical abuse. Your boundaries must be within your ability to do, as well as be what you are willing to do.
- Examples of Boundaries: Skin; Abilities; Loves; Feelings; Attitudes; Behaviors; Choices; Thoughts; Truths; Desires; Words like "no"; Emotional Distance; Physical Distance
Problems come even with good boundaries. Someone can take trash and throw it over the fence of your soul. Hopefully our boundaries have a gate that can open up to let the bad out and keep the good things in.
Good Boundaries are:
- Specific - Reasonable - Enforceable - Natural and Logical
Laws of Boundaries in Relationships
Sowing and reaping: Our actions have consequences. For every cause there are results, in relationships the one who sews is the one who should reap. Ex: If one partner is always late, the other doesn’t have to be late, and the first receives the consequence, if any.
Responsibility: We are responsible to each other, but not for each other; to tell the truth but not to fix each other. We covenant to take responsibility for ourselves and to the other, (not usually for the other), to admit when we’ve not and ask forgiveness.
Power: We have power over some things- we don’t have power over other things, including changing other people. We can only rehabilitate ourselves, confront our personal limitations and choose to change.
Respect: If we wish for others to respect our boundaries, we need to respect theirs. Others are free from my trespassing as I am free from others trespassing. If we agreed on everything then one of us would be unnecessary.
Motivation: We must be free to say “no” before we can wholeheartedly say “yes”. Make a covenant with each other that “NO” is not a sin. The word no is a great “swine” test. If they squeal at you, don’t trust them with your heart. It can feel hurtful if we are suffering with a soft spot in our heart before we hear or say “no”. Unresolved prior dependence and present dependence is a big problem that muddies the motivation in relationships.
Evaluation: We need to evaluate the pain our boundaries cause others, to see if it is helpful or harmful. Just because some one is upset doesn’t mean something bad has happened. It may be good for them.
Proactivity: We take action to solve problems based on our values, wants and needs. If you would enforce your values in your relationships then the relationship will not lead you where you don’t want to go.
Envy: We will never get what we want if we focus outside our boundaries onto what others have. Envy becomes a problem when we define the good as that which we don’t have. The principle of freedom is essential here- the rest of your life rests on the freedom to choose within our boundaries.
Activity: We need to take the initiative in setting limits or solving problems rather than be passive. Truth is available to us- but we have the job of finding it and taking the initiative to act. It is easier to steer a moving ship than one in dock.
Exposure: We need to communicate our boundaries to each other. Don’t hide them. What good is it if no one knows how you feel and what your boundary is?